i love when i hear from my mother.

its so hard trying to figure out whether the shit she says is true or made up stories due to her years of drugs n shit.

im home for the summer. plenty of catching up to do.

love that woman. 

aye, brah………………….

a nigga almost cried watchin the shaytards marathon video.

im ji like all alone lol.

i have no friends i can physically hi5 or anything.

back home i have one or two friends i actually see face to face. shit is just sad, b. 

whats worse is that if i ever stopped bloggin, tweetin, whatever de hell, itll probably be no more than 4 ppl who go “where the hell is antoine at?” …and i know at least 30 ppl on some more than just a hi, whats up shit.

cole world outchea.

i never really believe that shit.

ppl will bring up how long its been, and how much they’ve missed you, but you never witness any kind of contact.

no call.

no txt.

no instant msg.

no email.

nothing.

how am i suppose to believe you missed me when you dont try and talk to me? especially if we are on multiple social networks..social networking at the same time… you see me and do nothing.

im fine with not being thought about, just dont try and feed me a line.

i was sleep and dreaming about something..i cant quite remember, but i said somethin on twitter and some guy mentioned me n hex murda in the same tweet. he replied with somethin n i was shocked.

(just remembered as i was typin. apparently i was on a boardwalk where some big booty black chick had got on her knees and fuck some random white guy. after they fucked she got in some cat-like position as if she was going to drink milk and suck his dick in a very sloppy manner, removing the condom slowly n all that nonsense. everyone was around shocked as hell, just staring and/or walking by. i tweeted about what i just saw and thats when somebody mentioned me n hex in the same tweet about what i saw.”

so yea, when i “woke up” i was just in my bed and i couldnt move. i heard something though…it felt like i could hear mumbling over just a strange whatever-the-fuck. you know when you have that feeling like something or someone is behind you? yea..i had that feeling. i got so scared…like, not dream scared, but “im awake this is real omg wtf is happening i need to turn around or run away” scared. i was trying to move for alil n couldnt…still couldnt…still couldnt…then i moved.

man, that shit was NOT cool. not until i was able to move did i realize i wasnt dreaming anymore. this has happened before, but not like this. i didnt like it at all.

sometimes a nigga can be difficult.

i dont just do it for the hell of it though. i dont just act all complicated to fuck with ppl…if i do act difficult, its for a reason. that may sound like some woman shit, but sometimes its just like word? really? aight, i let me show you what i mean…ima do this RIGHT HERE

most ppl never learn though. so when i have enough of the bull i just 

A. leave you the fuck alone cause i dont feel like dealing with you anymore

or

B. tell you what DE DEAL is (and you will most likely get your feelings hurt)

thats life doe.

i dont speak in public a lot because i dont like to be judged.

especially where i go to school now. im already the black guy who looks like a thug. if i turn into the black guy who looks like a thug and has views that differ from majority id definitely get drama i dont need.

offline, i can honestly say that i have about 5 friends and one best friend.

over the years ive noticed i just have a lot of acquaintances or  ”i know you’s” 

does it suck? yea. but you know what..i dont mind having a small circle. 

i tried letting another person into my circle, but that nigga tried to do some grimmey shit. another reason why i hardly trust folk.

oh well.

i dont like being used.

physically, emotionally; just dont do it. i will never forgive you.

i am an emotionally person, im not afraid to admit that. i think about everyone and everything. most of the time i believe in others having happiness over my own, so i usually get the smaller stick in situations.

i will be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a foundation to help keep you stable; i will be all of this. but at some point in time i will always notice when i am being too nice, too giving, too concerned. if i notice i am being used i will wait to see if you notice what you’re doing. if i bring it to your attention and you still dont notice? you look at me like im the bad person? yea, fuck off. only so much i can take.

most people know me as that. not all, but most.

if you travel back to high school and say “hey, do you know him?” ppl will either say the guy who plays tekken or the guy with all the jokes.

its cool being the jokey person. i like making people laugh. hell, i like making myself laugh; helps me cope with the bullshit i deal with on the inside and out.

but sometimes i wish ppl knew more about me than the funny shit. i think people dont take me seriously most of the time because they believe im all jokes and cant be serious.

you know those awkward times where you say something, completely serious, and the other person laughs? you’re being 100% honest, blunt, and truthful, but the person chuckles their ass off? yea, with me, its like that.

strange world.